A good coach will ask questions to which they don’t know the answer. 

Asking questions to which we don’t already know the answer can make us feel like we have less control, uncertain about the outcome, and can lead to slower conversations.

However, asking questions that you don’t know the answer to empowers the person who is answering the question. Control is now with them, not you; the ball is in their court.

The more help we offer, the more help people need. 

Three vicious circles present in the workplace are:

Getting overwhelmed

Becoming disconnected

Creating overdependence

When we remove autonomy and self sufficiency, we are up against “The Bind”, “The Grind,” and “The Resigned.”

Three traps to avoid as a coach:

The small talk tango. 

The ossified agenda; is stuck in the same pattern. 

The default diagnosis; digging more or faster is not helpful if you are digging in the wrong place. 

Attention – Cue – Decision

Here is a list of triggers suggested by Charles Duhigg:

Location

Time

Emotional state 

Other people 

When thinking of replacing one behaviour with another ask:

What are you trying to replace?

What did your old behaviour give you? 

What are you replacing it with?

• Question 1: The Kickstarter Question 

What’s on your mind? 

We can think of it this way: 

The 3 P’s

Projects: What are you working on?

People: When talking about people, we are discussing relationships and your role in them.  

Patterns: Patterns of behaviour and ways of working.

Example of 3 P’s in action: 

“We can start by looking at the 3P’s; go ahead and choose which one we start with.

Project- any challenges around the actual content. 

People- any issues with team members, clients, etc.

Patterns – looking at how you get in your own way and how you show up. 

Where would you like to start?”

Now: 

“When does this happen (trigger)?

What do you want to do instead? 

Describe your new habit. I will…….”

• Question number 2: What else? 

You can buy time with this question. It’s also a great foil to jumping in to offer advice. Plus, it can help people dig a little deeper past their first answer, which might not be as good as their second answer. Iteration is powerful. 

• Question 3: What’s the real challenge here for you? 

Identify the real problem, not just the first one. Note the use of “for you” pins it to the person. If “we” and “us” are in play, bring the focus back – “What’s the real challenge here for you?” 

When there is a proliferation of challenges:

“If you had to pick one of these to focus on, which one here would be the real challenge for you?”

• Question 4: What do you want?

The miracle question; if you got up tomorrow and everything was better, way better, how would you know? 

The Karpman Triangle:

Victim 

Persecutor

Rescuer

The price you pay as a “rescuer”: 

People reject your help 

You create victims 

Perpetuate drama; no one likes a meddler 

You feel morally superior; you believe you are indispensable

The price you pay as a “victim”: 

You attract rescuers 

Known as a whiner and ineffective 

The upside is that you have no responsibility 

The price you pay as a “persecutor”: 

You feel like you are surrounded by idiots 

You create victims 

Micromanage and come across as a bully 

Trust issues; feeling alone 

Seek power and control 

“The minute we think we have all the answers we forget the questions.” Madeleine L’Engle 

• Question 5: How can I help? 

Break the drama triangle. If you are not trying to fix things you don’t need a backstory. 

• Question 6: If you are saying yes to this what are you saying no to?

A yes is nothing without a no that gives it boundaries and form 

“What could being fully committed to this idea look like?” 

Think 3 P’s:

People 

Projects 

Patterns 

Strategy is about winning choices: 

What is our winning aspiration? 

Where will we play?

How will we win?

What capabilities must be in place? 

What management systems are required? 

• Question 7: What was most useful for you in this conversation?  

Compare this to the question: Was that useful? Usually, the answer offers a binary response – Yes or No.

Question 7 is the learning question.

Always acknowledge the answers you get.