SimonHarlingBlog Posts

It’s not about how good your writing is.

How good you are at public speaking

Not even how good you are at coaching.

It’s about the opportunity you have and what you do with it.

If you make it about you (and that’s easy to do) then the chances are you are missing the point.

When the Michelin guide first began rating restaurants the criteria for a 3-star restaurant was “”Exceptional cuisine, worth a special journey” while a 2-star restaurant was “worth a detour.”

Over the years I have created several experiences that meant people made a special journey to be there. Sadly, the first time, I didn’t quite realise what I had done. The second time, I embraced the opportunity it gave me.

There is no punchline to this blog only a prompt.

You could be anywhere else in the world right now but you choose to be here with me.

Thank you.

As a kid, I knew that my asthma was causing my breathing difficulties.

As an adult, I began to question whether my dysfunctional breathing was causing my asthma symptoms.

The change is an important one. I felt empowered to do something. It was not about knowing the answers, but about doing something about it.

Coaching ideology is territorial.

One has more to offer than the others. But which one? Well, that depends on who you ask.

It’s difficult to ignore the bickering and not get dragged in.

Making it not about you, your group or the people you serve might just be a smart move. Instead, make it about the principles you believe in, that way, it’s their fault, not yours.

Accept the offer and your partner looks and feels good. No, will kill the moment. Ask just about anyone who has made a marriage proposal.

We are at our best when we are clear about what offers we are open to.

The thing only you can do. It’s likely to come with imperfections, quirks, and mistakes.

You can try to hide them.

Or you can go out of your way to embrace them.

The resistance you feel, the friction you experience I figure that’s not there to slow you down. It’s there to hold you in place while you fix what needs fixing.

Grateful this week for the mantra “write the book only you can write.”

In the moment we rely on our conscious mind and how we have always done things.

Therefore coaching is not wholly an act of conscious control but an improvised act.

In the end, it’s how we act that counts.

When you think of manifestos you think of a collection of ideological statements gathered together to form a statement usually for a group, or collective.

WE EXIST BECAUSE.

Not all manifestos concern themselves with fusion. Some are about fission, splitting from the others not finding them.

A coaching philosophy concerns itself with the individual practice of a coach.

I EXIST BECAUSE.

Both a coaching manifesto and a coaching philosophy are useful in creating energy. But one should not be confused with the other. A bit like fusion and fission.

I spoke to a friend of mine recently about my idea.

It had worked for me, but it was hard to see it working for anyone else. “It won’t scale.”

Sure, I could fill a lecture hall with people and hope. But, that’s not the same thing as creating change at scale.

The question isn’t whether your idea will scale. That’s not the point. The point is that ideas grow with use.

Use them or lose them.

Really?

What are you going to do with the feedback?

Are you hoping you are right or do you have a system of learning?

What are you ready to change?

What are you not ready to change?

Do you even want to change?

Are you simply putting things off?

Or worse still hoping that it’s met with indifference and not too much fuss.

I’m not a huge fan of feedback, I use it, but I don’t rely on it.

What did you do?

What are you doing differently now?

What made you choose the way you did it?

These are questions that are less about what people think and more about what people do.

When you recruit the best players you don’t get the best team you get the best individuals in a team.

So here’s the problem.

When the team is not performing but is full of great players whom do you pick on?

The answer of course is you don’t. I mean you could but you shouldn’t. Instead, you take a look at the context and ask the question.

Do I have a team full of super chickens?

Maybe your work is not getting the attention it deserves. But is that because your work is low value or a reflection of your status and celebrity?

Graffiti artist Banksy rather brilliantly shows us what we are really paying attention to. The sidewalk stall selling his work for $60 was only a few hundred yards from his sell-out exhibition. And yet only a few people bought his artwork.

Keep going.

What would change if you reflected on the opportunities of now?

The expensive health club membership.

The time you have with your kids when you get home from work and before they go to bed.

The sabbatical you have taken from work to finish your book.

Would you feel that you have taken the opportunity in front of you or taken it for granted? Coasting because tomorrow is another day is a tragedy worth thinking about it.

Try going somewhere slow.

Sounds cute, doesn’t it? But it’s also an old coaching trick for when people are stuck. Think differently and watch what changes.

David Goggins’s book Living with a Seal is a masterclass in dependant coaching. Goggins moves in with his client Jessie Itzler and sets down the rules. I say you do, it’s that simple.

I’ve often thought it’s a simple business model that might work well with high-end clients, who have the money to have a coach with them 24 hours a day.

But that’s not why I offer it as an example worth copying. Instead, this is my punchline.

When you do what you say it defines you.

Social Capital describes the bonds, loyalty, and trust that a group develops together. And this takes time. In fact, it takes time out.

Time shared equally, not fought over, provides a platform for a positive connection between people. A chance to create tension. To push and pull, before settling on a way forward.

Desirably difficult, of course. But isn’t that how we achieve our full potential?

Maybe your client doesn’t see it quite the same you do. Is it laziness? Maybe their peer group doesn’t support the desired behaviour. Whatever it is, your client is not buying what you are trying to sell.

We fear our client is missing out.

But perhaps we should not fear them missing out on what we have to offer but missing out on doing something/anything with passion.

Lead with passion, and the rest will follow.

Today I wrote up my physical training notes for the last 3 weeks.

Notes pulled together over the week, or maybe a 3-week planning cycle built up over the 90 days to take a look at the story you are selling yourself.

At the end of a 90-day cycle, your hard measures and narrative collide. And it’s that tension between the facts and the fiction which makes for a compelling review.

A learning system takes a little bit of effort, but that might be why it works.

How was your workout? I asked. “It was as tough as me.” Came the reply.

Ok, so you haven’t left much room for doubt. You nailed it. I get it.

But, what if you are an office worker addicted to a monthly salary because you are too scared to do what matters to you?

Leave no room for doubt that’s a great strategy. But that’s not the same as at least leaving some room in your mind to be wrong.

Be, Do, Say is a simple leadership model.

You can start by talking about whatever it is you do. Say, Do, Be.

Maybe you like to carefully plan, define and deliberate what it is that you think you do Be, DO, Say.

Or perhaps you like to do the work of creating meaning in what you do by working from either end to get to the middle.

The choice is yours.

Telling your kids what to do is not the same as showing them what they can do.

Often we confuse instructions on how to use the dishwasher, iron, or tumble dryer with showing them what they can do.

When your kids make their own list of the things they can do for themselves. And then get up at 6 am to fix breakfast because they choose to. That’s showing them what they can do.

90 days to do something that matters. 90 days of consistent action towards the thing that you want to do. 90 days and then it’s done.

What did it teach?

What changed?

Which of your strength and skills came in handy?

What solutions did you find?

What can you see now that you couldn’t then?

How did it make you feel?

Knowledge, understanding, action, discovery, perspective, and personal relevance are all there waiting for you.

What do you let grow in your garden? What flourishes and what dies? What do you say is going to happen and what actually happens?

Does it even matter?

I think it does. I think we learn about ourselves and our environment when we make things matter and we figure out how we can make them flourish.

Better to be a warrior in the garden than a gardener in a war.

Maybe it’s true. Lots of things don’t matter.

But it’s also true that telling yourself that “it doesn’t matter” is a great way to get yourself off the hook.

The daily blog

The Journal

The 5 min favour.

The one thing for your health

The one thing for your family

The one thing for your friends.

They all matter and that’s what makes the difference.

Asking questions you know the answer to can be a cowardly way of avoiding saying what is really on your mind.

Rhetorical questions are often passive-aggressive.

Asking questions is not always as helpful as you might think.

Learning to ask questions that risk teaching you something, surprising you, or changing your mind now that’s different.  

Necessity is a great teacher. So too is play. But what about copying?

On the way to school today my youngest was telling me about her frustration. A boy in her class has been copying her work.

What about the drawings you trace?

The U-tuber’s clothing style?

And the writing styles Daddy has been copying?

The issue I have with games-based coaching is simple. Who are we copying? No question peer to peer learning is a quick way to learn. Groups typically share similarities and as a result, ideas spread fast.

But the diffusion of ideas concept reminds us that diversity, heterophily, can’t be ignored in the creation of effective and innovative environments.

Perhaps we can consider coaches as heterophilic contributors. Outside of the group, differing in certain attributes. The job of the coach is then to connect to the group through the value of the ideas they spread.

When it comes to cycling there is no one optimal cadence for all. Lots of cyclists prefer high cadence and lower pressure on the pedals but then others “mash” the pedals at a lower cadence to produce a competitive velocity.

In life, depending on the story we tell ourselves, we go as fast or as slow as we like, our cadence is our choice.

In work, our cadence matters more than our velocity when we value a high level of understanding and stability. Misconceptions might just be costly.

In cycling as in life, the pressure you are willing to apply and the cadence you are willing to set determines the velocity at which you are likely to travel.

Ever wondered what your kid is thinking during practice?

The closest thing we have to a thought bubble is to think aloud during a task. A way of making the steps taken explicit.

Any gaps in our understanding of a task and the accuracy of the execution of the task become obvious. It becomes clear very quickly if a task is beyond reach. Start with simple and progress only when success rates are high.

Increase the level of independence based on success.

Instructional Practice – Guided Practice – Independent Practice.

If you want kids who can think for themselves first provide an example worth copying.

Effective teachers review a kid’s homework, talk about the problems encountered, and check for understanding. A few minutes in review appears to be worth the effort. The recall of concepts required for the lesson that day eases the cognitive load.

What needs more work?

What worked well last time?

How does what we have been working on link to what we are doing today?

How did we get here?

The fluidity of learning matched by the fluidity of the teacher getting to the beat of the people (big or small) in their class.

Every day is a school day.

We could double down on what we coach; our knowledge about the sport or activity we coach.

Or we could take a look at our own personal values and beliefs. Developing our knowledge about how we coach and why we coach.

One is easy to scale and measure which is why it sells well even if it doesn’t work well. The other can change how we show up for our clients, our practice, and ourselves.

A part of the coach education process is to write a statement of your coaching philosophy. An ideological statement of intent. Only it’s a bit like eating Greek salads on holiday.

When you get home the Feta doesn’t taste the same. Sitting with your workmates is not like sitting near a beach with your shorts on. And well, it’s not the same is it?

Perhaps then coaching philosophies are best left for those perfect moments. Those moments when you can dream a little. Plan a little. Implement a little.

You guessed it.

After a week back no one wants to hear about your holiday. But that has never stopped you yet.

Plan – Implement – Assess – Reflect.

You don’t go on holiday because you care what anyone else thinks. You go because it makes you feel good.

Go write your coaching philosophy because standing up for what you believe in will make you feel good all year round.

Covid sped up change in the workplace. More people now have a choice about where and how they work. And maybe even with whom.

What has not changed is the idea that we work to create change.

The temptation with hybrid working is to think change is organised around you. Do three days and home and the rest of the week in the office suit you? They might.

It’s also likely that anything is better than sitting in an office with the boss. Commuting to work and eating your lunch out of a Tupperware box.

But that’s missing the point.

I’ve yet to see a job advert that says “We don’t care how it happens we just care that it does. Can you help us to understand the conditions required to create the change we seek?

The temptation is to pass on the costs since you don’t want things to cost you. And maybe that was part of the deal. The building of a house, the fixing of a car, or the writing of a contract.

But sometimes it pays to bear the costs yourself; self-improvement. That way you don’t have to make anyone else pay for your mistakes or your improvements.

Is not the same as the intention to lead.

One can go horribly wrong and the other you can make up as you go along.

Beware of the smartest boss in the room.

We act like it isn’t. That somehow shit-in is not shit-out.

But, of course, we know it to be true. A stone in your shoe changes how you walk.

Act accordingly.

People don’t want change that’s the trouble.

The only job you have as a troublemaker is to ensure your change is worth the trouble it causes. Nothing changes without too much trouble.

Most troublemakers don’t see it as trouble and that’s the trouble with troublemakers.

If you have ever had a well-meaning family member or friend ask after you. You will know how it feels when they push their anxiety onto you, rather than improve their (or your) understanding of what you are working on.

This brings me to my point.

Coaching, teaching, and the business of education when driven by agendas, not by learning can leave you feeling pretty shit about yourself.

My current muse is to share directives, agenda, and direction of travel up front. Engagement is a choice and the work is to edit the agenda until successful. Deciding what success is collectively and or individually.

Perhaps it’s time we took the time to embrace our agendas.

It can feel like it’s “normal” to say you are busy. Overpromise and underdeliver. Underperform but think you did your best.

Draconian measures in times of chaos give you time to think.

The first step is a shock. That’s the point. Draconian measures are harsh, severe, and will feel excessive.

Here are some simple resources for when you really have had enough of your excuses.

Define ENOUGH

Value of time

When you have control of your resources, the time to control your narrative appears, and your desire to make excuses disappears.

“Always go a little further into the water than you feel you are capable of being in, go a little bit out of your depth, and when you don’t feel that your feet aren’t quite touching the bottom you are just about in the right place to do something exciting.”

David Bowie

Exactly because it’s a struggle you get to learn something about yourself, those around you, and your environment. That’s worthy of respect.

We act like we don’t know and do nothing and worse we act like we know when we don’t.

The thing with coach education is that there is always one more course you can go on. One more advancement. One more step and then..,..

The message is clear. Through education, we can advance. Better coaches make for a better future.

But for who?

While it is true that every coach I speak to could do with knowing more it is also true that every coach I speak to is not whom they want to be. They fear not getting picked when they tell the parents to back off. The performance director is a distraction. And so it goes on.

And when I ask them what they really want most tell me they want their kids, athletes, or team to perform to their potential.

I don’t know of an educational course that will stop you from doing one more thing before you do you.

Do you?

Today my kids walked out the door to go to school and it was raining. The plan clearly had been for it to be a clear day.

“Don’t do anything for the kids that they can do for themselves” is our family 90-day theme. It turns out mum needed the chat more than the kids. The kids would do more if only mum let them or so they say.

Back to my kids strutting out the door, this time in wet weather gear.

Youngest forgot to cover her hair, and had no spare trainers but secretly knew her teacher would fuss her. My eldest returned in full wet weather and with PE later in the day a full spare change.

Tonight we spoke about flexing to the environment or expecting the environment to flex to you. How you can make a fuss if you are wet, use it as an excuse or a chance to get attention. And what it says about you when you are willing to change your plan, adapt, and get on.

Watch out for the ones who are quietly getting on with it, because getting attention is never the hard part.

Sunday I left it. The silence was better than a blog I didn’t want to send. It doesn’t happen very often and when it does I just let it pass.

Today, I was afraid I wouldn’t get any silence. Surrounded by builders drilling through electric cables (by mistake), taking off the plaster from the walls, and pulling down tiles in the bathroom. And yet, I found silence in my own thoughts.

Frustrated I pick up on other people’s noise. When I’m comfortable with what I’m doing I manage to drown it out with my own thoughts.

I wonder if our consumption of social media works the same way?

An objective sets the direction of travel.

Key results define the results you need to achieve your objective.

And all that remains is to state the steps up front to achieve a result.

Often an act that requires telepathy, redundancy, guesswork, or a level of fixing that would make even Seb Blatter blush.

What to do?

Set learning goals that encourage exploration. Steps are only helpful if you can remember where they took you.

Understand the conditions required to keep your promises before you fix deadlines.

Rather than pretend you know, accept you don’t and improvise to find new ways of working with unknowns.

I thought I’d try a thought experiment.

The book I am working on has 4 questions each a chapter of my book.

So I outlined my book with 3 chapters and 4 questions to see what it looked like. I like it better.

I then tried making each point I want to make into a chapter. I have 22 clear points that I think deserved their own explanation. I like this less but now I’m clear on the points that I want to make.

Did I waste a week on this thought experiment when I could have moved closer to finishing the book? Maybe.

But, is there any point in going in a direction you already know by asking questions you know the answers to?

Why desire change when the life you have built for yourself works just fine?

We remain stuck for good reason. Our social structures and worldviews are built to support our status quo. Any change will disrupt status and likely not in a good way.

Wanting people to change is not nearly as helpful as creating a connection for them.

Connecting with people who accept and appreciate us works. It works because our reference points change as our exposure to ideas, information, and experiences changes. And when we connect to people who accept and appreciate us, we suffer no loss in status within the group.

When people open themselves up to new connections, they have done the hard part. The question is have you done the hard part of accepting them into the group? 

The NHS is broken. Education is failing. Our Government is corrupt.

In 20 years of coaching, not one person has asked me if what I do works. I self-reported for accreditation but they only checked my spelling.

In 25 years of being a consultant in the NHS a friend of mine has never once been asked about their waiting list.

More doctors. More support and resources for kids. We need more money.

We cut and try efficiencies but league tables are divisive and managers are self-serving.

But what if we published our own performances? Not a report of what we can’t do, or a story about X being above us and Y being below us. But a report about how we are getting on. What works well and what doesn’t work so well.

I do this well

I struggle with this

Here is where I am now

Here is where I was

This is what I am working on now

No judgment just a chance to help each other get better each time.

National Governing Bodies by rights, and title, are the authority in their sport. Them’s the rules. Grassroots clubs either follow the rules or embrace their title and do their own thing.

Kids stand in line at practice and coaches tell them what to do and if that doesn’t work for them they can quit and do something else.

Of course, the fear is that people don’t listen. And if we don’t listen we lose the way we do things and the way things are. How else do we pass on experience, rules, and knowledge?

Odd don’t you think that sports and coaches think the best way to pass on knowledge is to tell you and then for you to go away and apply it.

Every coach who has ever coached has said something at halftime only to put their head in their hands 5 minutes later when the exact opposite of what has been said transpires.

Perhaps it’s time to talk about how we actually learn. Because handing down information using the chain of command works well when there are high stakes, rigorous training, and significant infrastructure. None of which are present in grassroots sports.

Learning to crawl, walk and then run might be a good place to start.

Thanks.

When life is treating us well, and living is good, it’s easy to let it slide. Our mistakes don’t always matter as much.

We have all the feedback we need when life is hard. Mistakes are costly.

If your mistakes only hurt your pride you might just be going soft.

Far better to put yourself on the hook each and every time. That way it’s not about whether you think life is easy or hard. But that you are listening and paying attention.

Brands create stories through the actions they take. People the same. The stretch comes when we get others to create stories for us.

Not our words, not our voice, and now not our story.

We can all make stories up, it’s easy, but the ones we create and own, might just be the best ones.

Some things we can do without. Not only do we not need them, but we are better off without them. Your liver is not one of those things.

Primal living suggests simplicity. A yearning for what apparently worked in years gone past. In the hope that it will shape our future.

Not so.

When you want the past and hope for the future you miss out on the bit in the middle. Your reality.

The reality is that clowns like Liver King were present in the past and will certainly be ever present in the future. You could argue that we could do without them. But, that’s not going to happen, instead, we can focus on the smallest viable step we can take today because that’s actually our reality.

This week the boiler packed in, took my youngest to the doctor, and discovered our mac is too old to run some of the programs I needed to make my life easier at work.

What to do?

My obligation to self was and still is to produce a compelling talk for a coaching mentoring group by the end of the weekend.

Kant would describe that as an “imperfect duty.”

The obligation we have to ourselves is to develop’s one’s talents in the face of a shit storm while not putting our problems on others.

Perhaps we fall into the gap between “Play” and “Pro” because we are playing at being a “Pro”?

We say things like “have fun”, “enjoy it” and just “take part” when we mean “win” “don’t embarrass me” and “give me something to boast about”.

We take courses, wear tracksuits, and copy others who look and act like pros.

I’m not sure it’s our fault because we have never experienced being a “Pro” and we just assumed everyone knows how to “Play”.

But maybe it’s time to get serious about “Play” before we worry about turning “Pro” because in the end, the one thing that is consistent throughout the journey of “Play to “Pro” is the growing value we see in what we do.

Otherwise, what’s the point?

Because if you are a “Pro” you know you don’t do it for the money, that’s for people who are playing at being a pro. You do it because of what it has helped you become and how it makes you feel.

The point of being a writer is not to write.

We might see value in writing (task) but it is what we become (skills) and what we experience (environment) that keeps us writing.

My eldest is not too keen on our family veggie nights. On veggie nights it’s a bit of a struggle to get her to eat much at all.

Twice a week our main meals don’t contain meat. No big statement. More a condition I’m keen for us to apply and watch to see where it takes us.

I’ve tried multiple ways to get lentils into our diet. Dhals, soups, curries, and stews. Yesterday it was lentil chili, adapted from this 3 bean chili recipe.

But then towards the end of the meal my daughter declared that she was ready to change her view. It was a mixture of shock and delight. Shocked that we had made a breakthrough and delighted that my daughter was willing to change her mind about something she had been stuck on.

Rather than avoid both our feelings of frustration, anger, or indifference we persisted. Same conditions with a different twist. I accepted that my attempts were not working and my daughter accepted that I would keep trying.

A timely reminder that resignation is not the same as acceptance.

Shit rolls downhill the same way water does. It’s easier that way. Else you have to pump it uphill and that’s time-consuming and more expensive.

The reason the bottom-up, user-centered design is not attractive is simple. It’s slow and expensive, and the problem you thought you were solving might not turn out not to be the problem at all. Iteration, testing, and rapid validation of methods are not for everyone.

The choice appears simple enough. Go with the flow or let friction inform you.

Bottoms up!

Today I moved my youngest daughter’s bed from one room to another. I’ve done it enough times to know what to do.

The other thing I did today was to help put together a physical plan for our kids. Although it’s simple we have done it enough times to know we need instructions. You might them useful too.

Notes:

The kids choose what they want to do. We then curate the information, track it and talk to the kids about filling in any major gaps in the next quarter.

Perhaps you have noticed that this quarter is full of gaps. The kids are doubling down on swimming and our Sunday free play sessions might cover some of the skills not covered in organised activities. Time will tell.

“Abuse of power comes as no surprise.” Jenny Holzer.

It is easy to feel overwhelmed by the many examples that support Holzer’s truism.

But perhaps the biggest surprise of all comes when we have the courage to call ourselves on our own BS.

The power of which will surprise you.

What does it mean:

To be competitive?

To win?

To be successful?

The coach’s problem comes when you focus on imposing your meaning on others and fail to understand it for yourself, rather than the reverse.

Coaching is a serious business. The more seriously we take coaching the more education we buy. It pays to be serious.

And yet most coaches:

Don’t put away hours of their time each day to practice.

Are only interested in what happens at the next game.

Are always busy.

Why?

Because they can’t commit to coaching.

The paradox is that coaches are playing with coaching and yet acting as if they are taking it seriously.

Perhaps it is time to stop taking coaching seriously and learn to play.

The fear for a performer is to step on stage and freeze.

Patricia Ryan Madson, who taught performance art at Standford University took that fear and designed an improv game called “What’s in the box?”

The genius is in its simplicity.

Despite the box being imaginary, of course, when the performer lifts the lid of the imaginary small white box, they always find something. The skit might not be worth much at all.  But the confidence that comes with it is priceless.

Elite sport is based on selection. The best from the best. The rest are not good enough. Or at least not yet.

Like Russian dolls, there are leagues within leagues, echelons stacked one on top of each with its own criteria. Each with its own microcosm of performance, expectation, and status. It works for some people and not so well for others.

But it’s not a design fault, it’s a design feature.

The challenge is not to compromise the edges of competitive sports but to be brave enough to design something different.

The dictionary defines training as the learning of skills you need to do a particular job. Practice is defined as an action rather than thoughts and ideas.

It is worth remembering that it is through practice that we highlight training issues. Everybody who has run a 4-minute mile had to first run a 7-minute mile or maybe an 8-minute mile. You get the idea.

This time of year there will be plenty of talk about the future.

But having a map, a strategic plan or a dream is not as helpful as knowing exactly where you are now.

First things first I loved listening to The Specials.

I loved dancing to their music with my mates.

And I loved how they made me feel.

This week I have been reading Turning Pro by Steven Pressfield.

“If the amateur had empathy for himself, he could look in the mirror and not hate what he sees.

Achieving this compassion is the first powerful step towards moving from being an amateur to being a pro. “

Love Love Love.

It starts with you and it spreads.

All in on a venture suggests that you are confident that the rewards outweigh the risks. You are ready to sell the farm. On the other hand, dipping your toe can indicate a lack of certainty about the outcome.

A high-ticket coach wants only those who are willing to play all in. A desperate coach will take anyone and everyone.

But what if there was a different currency on the table?

Not just a growing sense of control over actions and consequences but an unequivocal, demonstratable, clear shift towards professional practice.

After all, selling the farm might just be another way of avoiding responsibility.

Stanivslaski, an outstanding character actor used three questions to create a character.

Who am I?

What just happened?

What do I want?

The foundational exercise provides an actor with the context of the situation, a motive, and past history.

You don’t need to be an actor to control your own narrative but you do need to ask yourself the right questions.

Resistance comes in many forms but those fears are indicators that you are leaning into the creative process and are simply part of the process.

Besides where else will you learn the empathy required to walk in someone else’s shoes if you have not yet learned to walk in your own?

Coach, what are you working on?

This a question I have been wrestling with since I started writing my book Good Coach Bad Coach. Build a place where you belong.

The theme is leadership and nothing goes into the book that doesn’t help me give a better answer to the questions. Under what conditions do I do my best work?  When am I a good coach and when am I a bad coach?

In the gap between life and purpose, there is space to learn to ask better questions.

5 men in their 50’s who want to lose weight and win at life.

I can’t be sure who started this marketing approach that coaches appear to have adopted but my guess is it was a 50-year-old man who felt like he needed to win at life.

Your first customer is you.

When the point of showing up at an audition is to demonstrate your skill not because you need a job (even if you do) it changes what you do.

When we see a test, not as a ranking tool (even if it is) but as a useful measure of what we know it changes what we see.

We can’t always change the job that we do, but we can change how we do it.

A child who has not experienced and understood what ownership means is unlikely to share since they have little or no understanding of possession.

Last week I spoke to a coach who handed out “punishment exercises” to kids who didn’t listen. A handful of burpees got the kid’s attention for a while at least. Could I offer a suggestion on how to keep kids engaged?

Now you might be wanting me to talk about the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC).

Or how to create engaging coaching environments for kids.

But that might be missing the point.

The coach in this conversation has no voice. She is not involved in planning. Nor asked her opinion.

We can’t teach what we have not experienced and learned for ourselves.

The joint-by-joint approach reminds us that a knee is stable because the hip and ankle are mobile. Mobility provides a platform for stability. The reverse is also true.

The flawed genius. The fierce competitor who can be the nicest person you know off-court. The “YES” after a hundred’s of Nos.

Is that so unnatural?

Classically trained chefs know how to make a Hollandaise sauce. That is not true of all chefs who enter Masterchef. Despite what they make say.

Taken from Old French “chief” the word “chef” means “head” or “leader.”

Professional chefs do the work of understanding how to meet our expectations. And that’s what makes them leaders. Great chefs exceed our expectations and that’s what makes them great.

The rest we should call cooks.

Running your own race, dancing as if no one is watching, doing it because you can.

More than a catchphrase. A meme or a moment to savour.

It is the work of understanding what those terms are.

I’ve learned that writing is the task, not the point.

My characterisation of a loser is someone who hides away from competition for fear of losing their position or does anything they can to win. Either way in my mind you have lost something. An opportunity to gather new information or your dignity.

The punchline is the part of the joke that rewards the setup, it’s the payoff. Most talks I’ve recently attended do the same thing. But that makes no sense to me.

Imagine your talk is about a tool you think others should use. Your punchline is that experts use this tool because they have the experience, flexibility, and presence of mind required to use multiple methods to achieve an outcome. By implication, so should you.

Only you are a novice. Novices require limited choices, direction, and clarity. Not flexibility, multiple choices, and confusion.

When you flip the script and start with the end in mind something magical happens.

“To be an expert you need the experience, flexibility, and presence of mind required to use multiple methods to achieve an outcome. Let me show you how.”

Now it’s clear whose side you are really on.

Research-based coaching methods are rigorous and backed by science.

The alternative is to suggest that coaching is an art form.

When we offer up research we are not on our own. Instead, we are standing on the shoulder of others. And that can feel safe and secure. After all, it’s not our thinking, it’s theirs.

Misunderstanding the creative process of coaching is not our problem, it’s theirs, they simply don’t understand art.

But what if there was a different way?

A way not hidden behind the work of others, or the mystique of individual interpretation, but art for all.

After all not all “experts” are created equally. Knowledge moves on and tastes develop. What if instead of valuing “experts” we valued flexibility? The ability to change our minds based on the feedback we receive and the change we seek.

No longer subservient to research-based methods provided by experts stuck in their ways. Or in awe of obscure coaching methods that seek attention not change. A new model for education based on a new definition.

Coach; A person whose only intention is to create change by modeling a flexible approach to their methods so that others may follow.

The idea is simple enough. Create a list of things that make you happy. Then organise yourself to do as many of them as you can when you can.

Going to see my barber is on my happiness list. Broken sleep. Kids off school and picking up the same bug as your kids is not on the list.

We exchanged stories and ideas, I parted with money and in return, Panni, my barber, made me feel good.

When times are hard it’s tempting to race for the bottom, cut your prices and work with the narrative. But what if you could change the narrative?

Teach your clients the happiness list trick. Remind them to audit it every 90- days, to check in on themselves and what they do. And in doing so you remind yourself of the business you are actually in.

I learned the happiness list trick from the book The Chimp Paradox. It works. Just as slowing down to speed up works too.

You can judge how playful you are at any moment by the reaction you give to a metaphor received.

Most of the time we know metaphors are not true but they can be helpful in teaching, learning, and developing ideas.

Other times, a metaphor feels silly, rude, and unwelcome.

But really is it the metaphor or our current state of mind?

A friend of mine has a very specific set of skills. The trouble with specific skills is not every situation you find yourself in will fit your skill set. Knowing how to dig snow holes is only helpful when you find yourself in Norway in the snow.

When your skill set falls short the temptation is to find the expert. In this case me. Offer up the problem and wait for the solutions. And that’s reasonable.

The problem was how to put on a stone in useful weight. And not the kind of weight Santa will be put on after he’s eaten all the pies this Christmas.

The expert now has two options. Be the smartest person in the room and focus on what they know and what others don’t. Or focus on change.

My suggestion was to create food rules. Write down the things you know. Then test the things you know by applying them to see if they work. Only then will know what you don’t know.

You are probably ahead of me here.

For so many reasons (known and unknown) the hard part is applying what you think you know. But if you care enough you will spend your time working it out.

Here is an example of design thinking that you can use as a template.

The self-published writer, freelance coach, and firestarter all dance with the same 3 things.

Attention. How do you get it? Who is it for? What do you want to do with it?

Interaction. Is what I am doing a good fit? Am I easy to follow? Do I add value?

Growth. Have I got your permission? Is it worth it? Can you commit?

Milking stools are made with 3 legs, not one.

The Lindy effect suggests that the longer you have stuck around the longer you will stick around. The base rate for longevity favours established products, services, and businesses not newcomers.

Base rates allow us to predict outcomes with a greater degree of accuracy.

Kids who enjoy an activity are more likely to stick than those who don’t.

Just don’t confuse the idea of sticking around with increased chances of sporting success, because that’s a base rate that is rarely in your favour.

The Chiles Webster Baston Commission reminds us that the majority of people in low-income neighborhoods don’t regularly take part in physical activity and sports. But this is not news. Simply a reminder.

The reminder is this. People outside of your community are useless at sorting out your problems. So here is an alternative.

Collect people together at a local level to create change at a national level. Create structures that support themselves with little or no funding. And ensure they are self-priming, they pay for themselves.

Please don’t wait because history tells us that people who wear chinos don’t like getting them dirty.

There is your answer.

or

There is your problem.

Sometimes it’s hard to know if the faces in front of you are listening, especially those well-trained in the art of not drawing attention to themselves. For others, it’s clear, you lost them when inanimate objects on their desk begin to take flight.

A focus on attention might be the first step but it’s rarely the point.

If the point is to inspire your audience, trial and error works just fine until you can figure it out. So here is a measure.

On a scale of 1 -5. How inspired do you feel to explore more about this topic because of today’s event?

1. Not at all
2. Maybe
3. Somewhat
4. Definitely
5. Hell yeah

Drawing attention to ourselves is one thing but what we do with it, that’s up to you.

Asking the question. How did we get here? Is an excellent remedy.

“One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” Neil Armstrong.

Neil Armstrong knew his next small step was a giant leap. No series of bounds, long strides, or even the odd strut. Just one small step at a time until they added up to one giant leap.

What’s appropriate when we are learning are small steps, constantly monitored with a willingness to change direction as our understanding of the path that we are on continues to develop.

If you had to sum up your work in 6 words what would they be?

I’m coming to the end of writing my first book Good Coach Bad Coach and I thought it would be fun to boil my book down to 6 words.

“Build a place where you belong. “

Your turn.

“Listen to the guy on the ground.” Pete Blaber

“First seek to understand” Frank Covey

“Get to the beat.” Donella Meadows

When you realise how important context is to create change and how worthless information is without it. A part of you begins to wonder if there might be a better way to get away from the family, work, or the boss than conferences and events.

Asking the question. How did we get here? Is an excellent remedy.

As I loosed off the headset my youngest kept the front wheel of her bike straight by holding it between her knees. It’s simple enough to get the handlebars and the front wheel of your bike aligned when you know how. Only as I moved so did my daughter.

You get the idea.

Busy in problem-solver mode it’s easy to feel frustrated and take over.

The alternative is to switch roles. Take on a new perspective. See what the other has to do to make it work. Be more kind, playful, and approachable.

“Believe in something even if it means sacrificing everything” Nike advert featuring Colin Kaepernick.

But that’s not how it works out most of the time. Most of the time, there is a trade-off, a compromise. Something or someone gives a little to get what they want.

If you are going to make a promise it pays to be clear on the conditions under which your promise will hold. Unless of course, you are clear you will stay the course. But that is very rare indeed.

Focus entirely on the problem. The difficult bit. The part that got your attention and it’s likely that you miss the whole.

I recently created an event and choose 20 as a reasonable number of attendees. The temptation was to spend all my time chasing potential attendees, making promises, and hustling to get the numbers up. After all, the number of bums on seats is easy to measure and a marker for success.

But what if you placed your focus instead of being able to do it again? No bridges burned. Or creating delight in the ones that do turn up?

When we focus on the whole system, not just the tricky bit, we do it for the good of the whole.

It is tempting to think we get back what we put in. No pain no gain. The more you put in the more you get back out. It’s how we sell exercise.

But is it really linear?

Of course not. How can it be? We are complex human beings not a line on a graph.

But when we admit it’s not linear we no longer appear to have all the answers. And we get paid to know the answers. Right?

Now that we have gone full circle.

Why not join me on the 30th Nov for a non linear chat about breathwork.

I don’t know all the answers but I do know some of the questions. 

So let’s take it now. Turn a blind eye. Focus on the opportunity.

After all, who wants to be the one pushing away the desert trolley on the titanic?

But each day we don’t push it away it gets a little easier to do it one more time. Who knows it might not come along again.

And so here we are, having taken one too many deserts, playing football in the land of plenty.

“It’s never what we condemn. It’s what we condone with our silence.”

Kids can very quickly become the big fish in a small pond. First, you split kids up into age groups, then into sports, and finally into technical sport skill levels. And that can look like success.

You can even improve the settings on the filtration system. Tall. Fast. Strong.

But I can also tell you a story about a player who was not fancied in their age group. Not at all. In a room, two out of the six of us present thought the kid was an athlete the rest saw only a technically poor player.

I can tell you the player in question today is not only the highest-ranking player for their country but the highest-ranking player they have had in decades. And also the one they had the least to do with.

Why? Because the system can’t filter for those who are willing to keep going when it’s not going their way. To keep improving every day.

And the saddest thing of all? It’s a skill you can nurture and yet we filter for success and that doesn’t teach it all.

The more you see the less you know.

The less you know the more you see.

You can’t do much about the first one. It might come as a bit of a blow. But, should no longer be a shock.

The second one, you can use to your advantage and learn to ask better questions.

For those curious enough, l will be hosting an online breathwork event on Nov 30th.

Thanks, Tom.

Elon Musk announced this week that workers at Twitter need to get back to long hours at high intensity in the office.

Rocketman, the man seemingly single-handly shaping our future was telling us our future was going to be a slog. Time and space constraints are back. And so, it seems is the notion that we can sustain high-intensity efforts for sustained periods of time.

Futurists concern themselves with the “three P’s and a W” i.e possible, probable, and preferable plus wildcards.

When someone speaks of the future it’s worth asking which one of the three P’s and W they think they are referring to. My guess is Rocketman was talking about what was preferable not about his desire to rewrite the science of bioenergetics.

“You think too much about it”

” I know you like to do things differently (compliment).”

The two comments above were made this week by two good friends in coaching. It is always interesting to know what others say about you.

And for a while, I was tempted to cut the edges off my fitness busking project. Compromise to fit in. Appeal to the 99% who don’t think quite as deeply.

But what about the 1% who do?

1% of all the coaches in the world is still a lot of coaches. And here is my point if you are operating the 1% space:

Do listen to what people say. Know who you are.

Do things differently if it makes you happy

Don’t take advice from people who work at scale.

Don’t act like you are scale either. Big overheads are a bad idea.

Do stay small, adaptable, and ride the long tail.

Do know you can always switch.

“Who is the fairest of them all?”

You are of course!

What experience are you trying to create for yourself?

When the going is easy it’s tempting to take it easy. My youngest has a Khan Academy project that she has planned to finish by Christmas. My daughter’s plan is to knock over two sections a day. Today was an easy day.

I once trained for a mountain race and learned from a friend of mine that you walk the tough bits, run the flat bits, and risk your life (and your quads) on the downhill sections. It’s a lot of fun.

The trap is to compare your uphill pace to when the going is good. But who does that? I can tell you it’s only novices. Anyone who has ever run in the mountains knows to work with the terrain.

To cover ground quickly you first need to be flexible enough to vary your pace.